How Things Are

By: Leigh B. Evans

Shitting, pissing, breathing bags of stardust, compressed protoplasm, scream from the street.

They chew and crush their teeth, crafting counterfeit sentimentality to taste humanity’s touch.

They yearn for green, yet green wilted to plastic, which surrendered to binary, then yielded to a laughable, ludicrous lie that shall someday lack value.

I can’t conjure from void, but the teeth still gnash, apathetic and audacious.

These assholes, elusive as eels, elude your grasp, as they slash and sever, slicing you down, down, down, deeper and deeper.

The landlord breeds the homeless, while the homeless breed the landlord, and the suits sit in their gilded, gutted wombs, greedily grooming for greater gains, like a loathsome leprosy-ridden phallus, bloated and bursting, blinding our sight, as they seize our minds, palms slapping and slashing, feeding them into a monstrous machine, whose sole purpose is to spawn more destitution and dreadful dragons.

These assholes defy your grasp, relentless as razors, relentlessly rending, reducing you, down, down, deeper and deeper.

Artless, handless, the corporate demons squeal like swine, their prophylactic vessels brimming with spent flesh, aptly christened “writers.” They proclaim, “We birth the art,” as their maws spew forth a torrent, hoping to mask the fact that they’ve plunged a clenched fist deep into your rectum, manipulating you like a marionette, a puppeteer’s plaything, yearning only for a demise swathed in felt and foam. Beware, for they are naught but masquerading monsters.

These assholes evade your grip, relentless as scalpels, incessantly severing, carving you, down, down, deeper and deeper.

They persist, unabated, these incisions unceasing, carving away until there’s naught remaining, descending further and further, into the abyss, into nothingness. Deeper and deeper.

Metamorphic Contractions

By: Leigh B. evans

My fingers fumble ‘neath writhing protoplasm, seeking sanity I strain to retain.

Toadstools gleam with verdant hue, a radiant bouquet of virile yearning,

Yearning for release, yet finding no solace amidst stones and sinuous intestines,

Coiled ’round their shafts, corpulent and undulating.

Have I tread this path before, or is chaos and hate my unexplored domain?

Are these visions of impending oblivion, conjured by past traumas?

Traumas born from denying desires to be dominated, longing for friendships?

Yet still continually perceiving others as mere flesh, vessels of pulsing vitality,

Possessing but one thing—a living, throbbing conduit,

That which the pious deem God’s sacred fluid?

I conceal those urges like a deranged deity hides decaying bodies ‘midst roses,

A veneer of masculine purity, illogical and nonsensical in its embrace.

This trauma, this curse, both exhilarating and terrifying,

I purge and self-gratify, yet it lingers, unyielding,

Until one day, like a crumbling dam, my walls erode,

Trumpeting a rebirth, a new iteration of myself, a moth emerging from its cocoon.

Madness arises not solely from an imbalance of the mind,

But from a repugnant lie, crafted to obscure our true essence.

The lie of masculinity, wielded as if divinely ordained,

Emerging from nature’s viscous, glutinous walls,

Blended with urine and saccharine ectoplasm.

This word, masculinity, a fabrication,

Just as these words on this page, a vomitous heap,

Distorted, contorted, molding into any desired reality,

A phallic protrusion or a welcoming vulvaic opening can 

both embody masculinity or transcend its confines, in flux and undefined.

Truth, the sole compass in categorizing your place in the vast tapestry of gender and sex,

Truth applied to oneself, truth in navigating the fabric of existence.

Words, truly hollow vessels, crafted and counterfeit,

Reality itself, an illusion, no self, no origin, no linear odyssey,

Only existence, fleeting and finite, slipping through our grasp.

Thus, expending a solitary breath on sexual preferences,

Is a feeble, futile endeavor, reserved for the joyless souls,

Who find no solace amidst the beings we’ve labeled “human.”

No, embrace whom you desire, entwine and connect,

With consenting partners who ignite your passions.

Surrender to life’s abundant pleasures before you,

And the rest shall inevitably unfold.

One Leap Into The Last Void

By: Leigh B. Evans

-Excerpt from Major Villè Damantis’ final transmission-

I feel I must at least leave something behind, so I’ll document what are my final moments. As of now I face a choice.

I entered the main area of the station moments ago, passing through the second hatch. The floor was stained with cold, coagulated blood—a significant amount of it. Thankfully, Genesis had thought ahead and equipped this floating death trap with artificial gravity enhancers. Otherwise, I would have been waltzing through the life liquid of my fellow inhabitants as if it were confetti.

As I beheld the gruesome scene, my mind immediately turned to my wife’s face back on Earth. Was she aware that something had gone terribly wrong? Perhaps Genesis was covering up more than just the cargo we received a few solar days ago. Who knows? Here I am, floating in what undoubtedly feels like my own exorbitantly priced coffin.

What was the plan, anyway? Transporting this monstrosity into space to observe its effects? Weren’t the ghastly experiments on Earth enough? These Sassaprenes were once commonplace back home, but life wasn’t always like this. Before the great infection, Earth had finally achieved a semblance of peace. Then, like many horrors, one man sought more power than he deserved, and everything went up in smoke. The bombs fell, and those of us fortunate enough found refuge in the vaults. Decades later, we emerged to a new normal.

And then the infection came. Lord Genesis, in all his glory, rebooted the space program, and now here I am. Due to some unknown motive, my crew lies slaughtered, and I find myself aboard a space station, adrift in the darkest recesses of a forsaken zone just beyond Omicron K-17.

I have two choices: confront my former friends, who have warped and twisted into those abominations, or step out into the abyss and let fate take its course.

As I don my helmet and approach the final hatch, the sounds grow louder—snarls, teeth clacking, and guttural noises that foretell my imminent doom.

If anyone finds this message, please relay my love to my wife. I am about to open the hatch and venture into the void.

May this be my last transmission. Hail Genesis.

Major Villè Damantis, signing off.

The Devil And The Deep

A Short Story.

(THE FOLLOWING JOURNAL ENTRY, WAS FOUND AMONGST THE RUBBLE OF A LONG ABANDONED SEA SIDE VILLIAGE):

In me twilight years, there ain’t much I can recall from me days as a young buck. ‘Specially those days when I was naught but a cabin boy aboard the mighty vessel Sebastian. The faces of me shipmates and the captain, as well as ol’ Henrey, the ship’s night watch, remain etched in me memory. But the finer details, ye see, elude me weary mind. Yet, there be certain moments that even an old salt like meself can’t forget. Moments I wish I could erase from me mind…

I pen these words not as a warnin’, but more as a tale of curiosity. Consider it the end ramblin’s of an old man, committed to parchment to preserve ’em ’til the time comes for wiser souls to take a more scientific stance.

It was the year 1802, a time when we had just stocked up on salted pork and much-needed ale for the long voyage ahead. We also had a cargo destined for the east, a journey that the crew weren’t lookin’ forward to, to be sure. I remember the grumbles of frustration amongst the men, but they soldiered on nonetheless. Thankfully, none of these lads were pressed into service—we had a good crew, willing and able. 

We set sail that very afternoon toward our destination, the sea as calm as a sleeping babe. Not a single cloud adorned the heavens. But as night descended upon us, a thick blanket of clouds rolled in, covering the sky like a hearty stew. The moon disappeared from sight, leaving us engulfed in a darkness so deep that ye couldn’t distinguish where the sky ended and Davy Jones’ locker began. These nights of complete blackness always sent shivers down me spine, but this particular night was unlike any I had experienced afore as a young ship’s lad.

The silence, ye see, it grew so deafening that ye could hear the very wood of the ship settle and creak. It was an eerie quiet, so profound that even the sound of yer own blood coursing through yer veins reached yer ears if ye stood still for too long. The only shred of natural light was the lightening from some unseen storm, no thunder graced ye ears though, troublin’.

Sleep eluded me that night, so I reckoned a stroll might calm me restless soul. Ol’ Henrey, the trusted night watchman, knew these waters like the back of his hand, and he made sure not to shine his lantern too far, mindful of the lurking pirates that infested these parts. We felt secure with ol’ Henrey’s presence—I felt secure.

Ol’ Henrey was the toughest salt dog that ever graced the decks of a ship. He stood tall at 6 foot 3, with a barrel chest and arms as thick as tree trunks. He had lost an eye while defending a crew long forgotten from scoundrels trying to send them to a watery grave. His remaining eye was a piercing baby blue that could stare through ye very soul if he got angry with ye. A giant of a man, to be sure, but with a heart as soft as a lass’s inner thigh.

As I made me way across the wooden bridge, I saw ol’ Henrey drawing on his wooden pipe, leaning against the railing of the ship and gazing out at the sea with his one good eye. As a young lad, I knew that ol’ Henrey’s presence would bring some much-needed comfort and protection this night, so I approached him and tugged at his sleeve.

What happened next was unlike anything I had ever seen from ol’ Henrey in all the three years I had served aboard that ship. He jumped in fear, something that was completely out of character for a man of his experience and courage.

“Oh, young lad, beware of approaching this old sea dog, lest ye awaken the ghosts that haunt me,” Old Henry cautioned in a hushed tone, careful not to disturb the slumbering crew. “What brings ye out here in the dark?” he inquired, placing his pipe between his teeth to take another soothing draw. He attempted to conceal his trembling hand, but I discerned the faint quiver caused by his edginess. 

“The silence, it’s almost too deafening,” I remarked, unsure of how me words would be received. I knew sounding of a madman could lead to a stint in the brig, for fear of succumbing to cabin fever. However, Old Henry’s narrowed gaze revealed his knowin’ as he puffed on his pipe, allowing the wisps of smoke tolazily escape through his grizzled beard. I sensed he understood.

“Aye, aye, the quiet… I hear it too, me lad. I’m glad someone else feels it tonight. Perhaps ye possess a sensitivity to the spirits, which will serve ye well when ye, like me, become an old sea dog,” Old Henry murmured in a low voice. 

His weathered eye scanned the ebony expanse, whilst he savored another leisurely drag from his pipe. And there, he uttered words that shall remain etched in me memory as long as I draw breath into these barnacle-laden lungs, “I’ve sailed these waters afore, somethin’ lurks out yonder, I fear, me young lad. Somethin’ not rightly belongin’.” Me blood turned to ice at those words, and visions of legendary beasties sprang to life in me mind, conjurin’ tales spun by me grandpappy on his creaky old knee—tales of ancient mermaids and krakens. Ol’ Henry glanced back at me, his gaze catchin’ sight of me ghostly pallor. With a mighty paw, he laid it upon me shoulder, leanin’ close to impart some comfort. “Fret not, lad. So long as we stay anchored aboard the good ship Sebastian and keep our lanterns dim, we should fare well,” Ol’ Henry reassured me. Once more, his gaze fixated on the abyss, his hand tremblin’ upon me shoulder.

Ol’ Henry knew better than to send me scurrying below deck like a landlubber. Instead, he fetched a couple o’ small barrels and a slightly larger one to serve as our makeshift table. To steady our nerves, he poured two hearty mugs of ale, and we settled down, spinnin’ yarns about the days gone by, swappin’ tales of our lives ashore—lives that felt as distant as a mermaid’s kiss from where we found ourselves now. Time lost all reckonin’ in the eternal darkness that clung to us like barnacles. Exhausted, I rested me noggin against the salt-soaked planks of the railin’ and slipped into a slumber, only to be plagued by dreams of monstrous sea critters lurkin’ beneath the waves.

A gentle hand shook me, jolting me from me sea-induced slumber. Me heavy eyelids fluttered open to reveal Ol’ Henry standin’ beside me, starin’ out into the abyss. The dim lantern barely cast a glow, but the moon peeked through the clouds, provide a glimmer of light that kissed Ol’ Henry’s face. More Lightening traced above us like the gods where calling out some beacon of emergency. I looked to Ol’ Henry once more, his good eye widened to the point that it looked ready to jump ship, and he leaned in closer to me, his voice low and urgent.

“Ye be a fine lad, now make haste and fetch the captain and the crew! Tell ’em ol’ Henry says we need all hands on deck, ready to man the cannons. Go swiftly, lad!” I sprang up from me barrel, gazin’ out into the impenetrable darkness. Far off on the distant horizon, I beheld the very sight that had sent Ol’ Henry into a frenzy. Two colossal orbs seemed to float out above the sea, glowin’ with an otherworldly light that neither reflected upon the water nor pierced the darkness. Nay, it burned with a sickly yellow hellfire that caused me very bladder to weaken. Just as me heart quaked, a bolt of lightning slashed through the sky, revealin’ a sight that haunts me to this day—the orbs were eyes belongin’ to a monstrous devil of a creature. It sported tentacles akin to a squid for its face, wings outstretched like a bat, and a body that reeked of unspeakable demonic horror. Vomit threatened to surge from me gut, but Ol’ Henry seized me shoulder once more, givin’ me a forceful shove toward the quarters. “Go now, me lad! Go now!” he bellowed, urgency drippin’ from his voice like seawater from a leaky hull.

I sprinted with all me young might, me legs carryin’ me swiftly to the captain’s quarters and then down to the men below. The crew sprang into action, rushin’ to their stations, preparin’ for a battle that loomed on the horizon. The captain seized me by the arm, his grip firm as he demanded that I lead him to where Ol’ Henry stood, so he could witness the danger with his own eyes. We ascended to the deck, where Ol’ Henry clung to a harpoon as if his life depended on it. His gaze shifted from the captain to me, and than to the sea, the Devil was gone, his expression twisted into a visage of pure horror.

“Captain, it was there, but it vanished back into the depths. We must change our course, headin’ for land, any land, to escape these cursed waters,” Ol’ Henry pleaded. The captain studied me, then turned his attention back to Ol’ Henry. His eyes than darted and lingered on the empty jug of ale and the two cups, and gradually, his alarm subsided, replaced by a sense of annoyance. “How many times, Henry, must we endure these drunken false alarms?” the captain retorted, his tone tinged with a hint of anger. Ol’ Henry redirected his gaze, first back to the abyss, then to me. “Captain, the lad here, he saw the devil too. Sir, these sights ain’t the result of me drinkin’. We must…” 

The captain, he did cut ol’ Henrey short with a mighty stomp upon the deck using his boot. “Nary another tale of fancy shall I endure this eve, Henrey,” he bellowed. “Sturgil be taking charge of the watch. Rest your weary bones, my aged friend,” added the captain, his voice laden with sympathy. Ol’ Henrey, wise enough to know that his captain would not entertain the ramblings of a drunken soul, nor pay heed to the words of a lowly cabin boy, dropped his harpoon and made his way to his quarters, dispirited. That night, I shared a room with ol’ Henrey, and neither of us closed an eye, for we feared that the very devil of the deep would return to claim us for bearing witness to his true form. No sound did we hear, only an eerie silence blanketed the air. At dawn’s break, me and ol’ Henrey emerged from his quarters, venturing out onto the deck to a sight that shall forever haunt my dreams. The morning breeze carried the tang of salt, crisp and refreshing, while a fog draped itself around us. The crew, gathered in a huddled mass, fixed their gaze upon a spectacle near the edge of the deck.

Me and ol’ Henrey, we pushed our way through the throng, makin’ our path to where their eyes were locked. Sturgil, he sat atop the very barrel I had rested upon the night prior, but his head was missin’, severed clean from his body. If ’twas that devil’s doin’, ’twas a bleedin’ warning, mateys. With his monstrous size, he could’ve hauled us down into the depths afore we could even mutter a prayer for forgiveness. When we made port that afternoon, the only souls privy to that forebodin’ sign were meself and ol’ Henrey. We both never hoisted the sails again, mark me words.

I took up a post at the local tavern, pourin’ grog and mopin’ the floors. Ol’ Henrey, he’d frequent the place, tossin’ me an extra coin or two, always sharin’ that knowing glance. We had stared into the eyes of the devil himself and lived to tell the tale. Not a single word ’bout that eerie night ever passed our lips, but we carried the weight of it in our souls. Meanwhile, the Sebastian and her crew, they set sail after we chose to remain ashore. Alas, the Sebastian never returned to port, lost to the depths, she was. Some claim she fell prey to maraudin’ pirates, her crew slaughtered, her treasures pillaged and tossed into the brine. But me and ol’ Henrey, we know the true fate that befell ’em, for we witnessed it firsthand. The Devil gave us both a reprive, but only for limited amount of time.

I kept silent ’bout that fateful night, until now, as I pen these very words. Yet, the same darkness that enshrouded me and ol’ Henrey, it has returned to our seaside hamlet once more. It arrived on the eve when ol’ Henrey breathed his last, taking him into the waves, and tonight, it comes for me. I have no fear in me bones, but mayhaps the devil that rises from the depths shall take pity on an old sea dog like meself, and makes my trip to the deep, an easy one.

We All Know We Are Going To Die.

an essay

One of the most peculiar sayings I’ve encountered is “what’s it like knowing you are going to die.” It strikes me as odd because, in truth, we all possess the awareness that our mortality is inevitable—it’s life’s sole guarantee.

As we journey through life, we are acutely aware of our eventual demise. Yet, we prefer not to dwell on it, and rightly so. While I have developed a deep understanding of death, the concept of “death being an old friend” has become somewhat clichéd. Death for me, has become a co-worker, one whom I am in no hurry to catch up with.

During a particular phase in my life, which I openly refer to as my darkest period, I found myself courting death. I yearned for it, embraced it, flirted with it, and ultimately had a fleeting physical connection with it. Like many overdramatic males who weren’t taught to embrace their feelings, I found myself in this state, after a rough divorce.

Additionally, my fondness for alcohol had transformed from a casual indulgence—a beer after work—into a destructive relationship. Whiskey had insidiously replaced my morning coffee, and soon it became a constant presence throughout the day. At the time I had left my wife for a younger woman, I was fortunate that she remained oblivious to the hidden bottles in our modest one-bedroom dwelling. Well, at least I believe she was unaware, although deep down, she probably knew. Despite that, she endured my struggles for a good year. Women truly possess incredible strength, more than men could ever wield.

When she finally did herself a great favor and ended our relationship, I plunged headfirst into the abyss of alcohol. One night, overwhelmed by the weight of it all, I reached a breaking point and attempted to hang myself. This is the part of my story where I implore you not to extend a strangely sympathetic gaze. I don’t perceive suicide as a shameful betrayal, or a tragic event, except for those left behind who bear the sorrow, they have my sympathies. For those genuinely consumed by thoughts of suicide, it becomes a painkiller—a respite from a dissatisfying existence they have endured until that moment.

Suicide seems to run in my family, or at least in the branches I am aware of. I have lost two cousins to suicide, individuals I deeply wish I could have engaged in a heartfelt conversation before they chose their own path. However, I also take solace in knowing that both of them discovered some form of peace through their own decisions and no longer have to endure suffering.

Before you label me as ghoulish or accuse me of glorifying suicide, I have one message for those who might consider it as an option: suicide is merely that—an option. I am living proof that it is not the sole path available to you. Sometimes, you must undergo a profound transformation and confront your demons head-on. As George Harrison once sang, and some pompous windbag probably said before him, “all things must pass.” Your pain will eventually fade, making way for happiness. However, achieving that happiness requires more effort than you may initially desire, medications, therapy sessions, support systems, and talking-plenty of talking. Life resembles a museum that forces you to wade through the muck to witness its most beautiful exhibits. Stay the course though, you wouldn’t want to miss out on the breathtaking parts.

As for myself, driven by an insane level of intoxication, I attempted to tie a rope to a ceiling fan-attach my neck to that, and step off my wicker coffee table, seeking an end. Please don’t judge me too harshly; remember, I was Jim Morrison drunk. Having consumed an entire bottle of Jack Daniels, I felt compelled to tell the world and life itself to go fuck…..itself. People often wonder, “What goes through your mind when you contemplate suicide?” While a preacher might suggest feelings of regret and visions of hellfire and brimstone awaiting those who take their own lives, my thoughts were fixated on one thing: “I hope I don’t piss my pants.”

Perhaps you were expecting a profound Kerouac-esque line there?

Fortunately, much like many aspects of my life leading up to that point, I had made a mistake. As it turns out, a ceiling fan is not equipped to support the weight of a sobbing, six-foot, two hundred and twenty-pound drunkard. The damn thing tore away from the ceiling, leaving me suspended just long enough to lose consciousness. When I eventually came to, instead of encountering brimstone, I found myself lying on the cheap carpet of my overpriced one-bedroom “luxury” apartment. 

Immediately after the failed attempt, I vomited, the convulsions exacerbated by the strain my neck had endured—a sensation akin to having a tight zip tie wrapped around it. The silver lining? I didn’t piss my pants.

Following that incident, my life spiraled further into a whirlwind of drinking, fleeting encounters with women, more drinking, involvement with older women, yet more drinking, engaging in bar fights, more drinking, brawls in dimly lit alleys, and, of course, more drinking. It would take several more years before I could confront my inner demons and truly conquer my struggle with alcohol, I have my wife to thank for that portion of my story. However, that is a tale for another time.

 What I can share with you now is that my perspective on life underwent a fundamental shift. I began to treat life with greater reverence and, in turn, developed a deeper respect for death. It was no longer something to casually welcome; instead, it commanded respect and demanded a healthy acceptance. Now, at the age of thirty-six, I find myself, perhaps for the first time in my life, no longer yearning for death.

Certainly, fleeting intrusive thoughts occasionally make their presence known, but they are now easily managed and often even laughable. I perceive each passing year as a precious gift. Every time I wake up, I am grateful for the simple act of breathing and, of course, for not having to deal with any untimely accidents in my pants. 

Life, in its essence, lacks a predetermined purpose, but within it, one must seek out fragments of beauty. We must discover those pockets of solace that bring us joy and fortitude. The nature of these discoveries may vary for each individual, whether through practices like meditation and therapy or through religious epiphanies—although the latter may depend on one’s denomination. The best advice I can leave you with is-Waste no time on hatred, waste no time on ideologies that diminish the value of this life by treating it merely as a transient stepping stone towards a supposedly better afterlife. Waste absolutely no time. Love others, learn to appreciate everyone who has had a positive impact in your life, strive to harbor less hatred. Don’t squander time; it is a limited resource.

We all possess the knowledge of our impending mortality, yet the precise timeframe remains uncertain. By the time you read these words, I could already be deceased. In that case, greetings from beyond the grave! Again, there is no point to life other than to live it and embrace both the wonderful and challenging times that allow us to experience the full range of human emotions. We are incredibly fortunate that the grand artist of nature and evolution brought us into existence from the stars. We may be insignificant, but we are art.

As I reflect on my late cousins, particularly Stephanie, I am reminded to appreciate the simple pleasures of life, such as basking in the warmth of the sun or observing the blooming flowers in the yard. I vividly recall her description of how the sky transforms into watercolors during a sunset, a memory from a family lake trip many years ago. Thinking of them inspires me to seek out beauty and truly live the moments they cannot.

Always remember, everything is transient, including our own lives. Therefore, it is crucial to find inner peace, love, and joy however, wherever, and whenever possible.

We all know we are going to die, so let’s make sure not to forget, to live.